Increasing the flow in descriptions of a sequence of events
Thomas appeared behind Daniel and shook him by the neck, which brought
him down to his knees. Thomas kicked him and then kicked away the gun
that Daniel dropped making sure he wouldn't be able to surprise him
any longer. He smiled seeing Daniel helplessly squirming on the
ground. He took out a cigar out of his pocket and lit it. He took a
puff and then another while waiting for Daniel to talk knowing Daniel
would plead for his life as soon as possible if given the chance.
I decided to write a little paragraph to really show the problem I am having. As it turns out I really have an issue with the flow in descriptions of a sequence of events. How can you increase the flow between the sentences?
creative-writing flow sentence-structure
edited 1 hour ago
Cyn
12k12661
asked 4 hours ago
yocuyocu
262
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yocu is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
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add a comment |
Thomas appeared behind Daniel and shook him by the neck, which brought
him down to his knees. Thomas kicked him and then kicked away the gun
that Daniel dropped making sure he wouldn't be able to surprise him
any longer. He smiled seeing Daniel helplessly squirming on the
ground. He took out a cigar out of his pocket and lit it. He took a
puff and then another while waiting for Daniel to talk knowing Daniel
would plead for his life as soon as possible if given the chance.
I decided to write a little paragraph to really show the problem I am having. As it turns out I really have an issue with the flow in descriptions of a sequence of events. How can you increase the flow between the sentences?
creative-writing flow sentence-structure
edited 1 hour ago
Cyn
12k12661
asked 4 hours ago
yocuyocu
262
New contributor
yocu is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
You seem to have confused your two characters halfway through. I'd suggested editing unless that's actually part of what you wanted help on.
– Chris Sunami
4 hours ago
Ah, yes, sorry for that. I literally took 30 seconds to write this down on a notepad.
– yocu
4 hours ago
add a comment |
Thomas appeared behind Daniel and shook him by the neck, which brought
him down to his knees. Thomas kicked him and then kicked away the gun
that Daniel dropped making sure he wouldn't be able to surprise him
any longer. He smiled seeing Daniel helplessly squirming on the
ground. He took out a cigar out of his pocket and lit it. He took a
puff and then another while waiting for Daniel to talk knowing Daniel
would plead for his life as soon as possible if given the chance.
I decided to write a little paragraph to really show the problem I am having. As it turns out I really have an issue with the flow in descriptions of a sequence of events. How can you increase the flow between the sentences?
creative-writing flow sentence-structure
edited 1 hour ago
Cyn
12k12661
asked 4 hours ago
yocuyocu
262
New contributor
yocu is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
Thomas appeared behind Daniel and shook him by the neck, which brought
him down to his knees. Thomas kicked him and then kicked away the gun
that Daniel dropped making sure he wouldn't be able to surprise him
any longer. He smiled seeing Daniel helplessly squirming on the
ground. He took out a cigar out of his pocket and lit it. He took a
puff and then another while waiting for Daniel to talk knowing Daniel
would plead for his life as soon as possible if given the chance.
I decided to write a little paragraph to really show the problem I am having. As it turns out I really have an issue with the flow in descriptions of a sequence of events. How can you increase the flow between the sentences?
creative-writing flow sentence-structure
creative-writing flow sentence-structure
edited 1 hour ago
Cyn
12k12661
asked 4 hours ago
yocuyocu
262
New contributor
yocu is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
edited 1 hour ago
Cyn
12k12661
asked 4 hours ago
yocuyocu
262
New contributor
yocu is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
edited 1 hour ago
Cyn
12k12661
edited 1 hour ago
Cyn
12k12661
edited 1 hour ago
Cyn
12k12661
12k12661
asked 4 hours ago
yocuyocu
262
New contributor
yocu is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
asked 4 hours ago
yocuyocu
262
asked 4 hours ago
yocuyocu
262
262
New contributor
yocu is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
New contributor
yocu is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
yocu is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
You seem to have confused your two characters halfway through. I'd suggested editing unless that's actually part of what you wanted help on.
– Chris Sunami
4 hours ago
Ah, yes, sorry for that. I literally took 30 seconds to write this down on a notepad.
– yocu
4 hours ago
add a comment |
You seem to have confused your two characters halfway through. I'd suggested editing unless that's actually part of what you wanted help on.
– Chris Sunami
4 hours ago
Ah, yes, sorry for that. I literally took 30 seconds to write this down on a notepad.
– yocu
4 hours ago
You seem to have confused your two characters halfway through. I'd suggested editing unless that's actually part of what you wanted help on.
– Chris Sunami
4 hours ago
You seem to have confused your two characters halfway through. I'd suggested editing unless that's actually part of what you wanted help on.
– Chris Sunami
4 hours ago
Ah, yes, sorry for that. I literally took 30 seconds to write this down on a notepad.
– yocu
4 hours ago
Ah, yes, sorry for that. I literally took 30 seconds to write this down on a notepad.
– yocu
4 hours ago
add a comment |
2 Answers
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oldest
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There's no point of view here, which makes it difficult to care about, or even follow. (That's also probably why you initially confused the characters.) It's just a series of events. You don't have to have a point of view character, but you need to have a point of view.
I'd try writing three versions of this. One from Thomas' POV, one from Daniel's, and one from a third person watching from inside the room (they can all be written in third person, but they should follow one person's perspective, thoughts, mood, and so forth). I think you'll find it has a lot more flow.
answered 3 hours ago
Chris SunamiChris Sunami
31k340112
add a comment |
Welcome to the exchange.
To my way of thinking, you need to expand the sequence out because as it stands you are listing a series of events and symptoms of the characters. There is no reaction, no interplay, no emotion.
Add in a snatch of dialog and some emotional cues, also internal thoughts and a few actions. These things will draw the reader in to engage them.
A quick example:
Thomas appeared behind Daniel and shook him by the neck. Daniel
sputtered, choked, grabbed at Thomas's hands about his throat but
couldn't pry them loose. He was on his knees now, unable to breathe.
"Doesn't feel great, does it?" Thomas said, before kicking Daniel in
the small of the back.
Daniel was losing consciousness, almost welcomed it, the pain was too
intense and a blackout would be better. He saw Thomas kick the gun
away, but Daniel had no strength to grab it anyway. That smile on
Thomas's face. The man was vile, pure evil, the devil incarnate.
Daniel squirmed, using his last bit of strength, pleading with his
eyes.
Thomas let go and Daniel took a long shuddering breath, seeing stars
at the rush of oxygen back to his system. Thomas took a cigar out of
his pocket, lit it and took a puff.
"That's for Beatrice. You don't treat my girls that way, punk."
Daniel couldn't speak, his throat still crushed from the assault, air
rasped through.
answered 3 hours ago
DPTDPT
14.3k22784
add a comment |
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There's no point of view here, which makes it difficult to care about, or even follow. (That's also probably why you initially confused the characters.) It's just a series of events. You don't have to have a point of view character, but you need to have a point of view.
I'd try writing three versions of this. One from Thomas' POV, one from Daniel's, and one from a third person watching from inside the room (they can all be written in third person, but they should follow one person's perspective, thoughts, mood, and so forth). I think you'll find it has a lot more flow.
answered 3 hours ago
Chris SunamiChris Sunami
31k340112
add a comment |
There's no point of view here, which makes it difficult to care about, or even follow. (That's also probably why you initially confused the characters.) It's just a series of events. You don't have to have a point of view character, but you need to have a point of view.
I'd try writing three versions of this. One from Thomas' POV, one from Daniel's, and one from a third person watching from inside the room (they can all be written in third person, but they should follow one person's perspective, thoughts, mood, and so forth). I think you'll find it has a lot more flow.
answered 3 hours ago
Chris SunamiChris Sunami
31k340112
add a comment |
There's no point of view here, which makes it difficult to care about, or even follow. (That's also probably why you initially confused the characters.) It's just a series of events. You don't have to have a point of view character, but you need to have a point of view.
I'd try writing three versions of this. One from Thomas' POV, one from Daniel's, and one from a third person watching from inside the room (they can all be written in third person, but they should follow one person's perspective, thoughts, mood, and so forth). I think you'll find it has a lot more flow.
answered 3 hours ago
Chris SunamiChris Sunami
31k340112
There's no point of view here, which makes it difficult to care about, or even follow. (That's also probably why you initially confused the characters.) It's just a series of events. You don't have to have a point of view character, but you need to have a point of view.
I'd try writing three versions of this. One from Thomas' POV, one from Daniel's, and one from a third person watching from inside the room (they can all be written in third person, but they should follow one person's perspective, thoughts, mood, and so forth). I think you'll find it has a lot more flow.
answered 3 hours ago
Chris SunamiChris Sunami
31k340112
answered 3 hours ago
Chris SunamiChris Sunami
31k340112
answered 3 hours ago
Chris SunamiChris Sunami
31k340112
answered 3 hours ago
Chris SunamiChris Sunami
31k340112
31k340112
add a comment |
add a comment |
Welcome to the exchange.
To my way of thinking, you need to expand the sequence out because as it stands you are listing a series of events and symptoms of the characters. There is no reaction, no interplay, no emotion.
Add in a snatch of dialog and some emotional cues, also internal thoughts and a few actions. These things will draw the reader in to engage them.
A quick example:
Thomas appeared behind Daniel and shook him by the neck. Daniel
sputtered, choked, grabbed at Thomas's hands about his throat but
couldn't pry them loose. He was on his knees now, unable to breathe.
"Doesn't feel great, does it?" Thomas said, before kicking Daniel in
the small of the back.
Daniel was losing consciousness, almost welcomed it, the pain was too
intense and a blackout would be better. He saw Thomas kick the gun
away, but Daniel had no strength to grab it anyway. That smile on
Thomas's face. The man was vile, pure evil, the devil incarnate.
Daniel squirmed, using his last bit of strength, pleading with his
eyes.
Thomas let go and Daniel took a long shuddering breath, seeing stars
at the rush of oxygen back to his system. Thomas took a cigar out of
his pocket, lit it and took a puff.
"That's for Beatrice. You don't treat my girls that way, punk."
Daniel couldn't speak, his throat still crushed from the assault, air
rasped through.
answered 3 hours ago
DPTDPT
14.3k22784
add a comment |
Welcome to the exchange.
To my way of thinking, you need to expand the sequence out because as it stands you are listing a series of events and symptoms of the characters. There is no reaction, no interplay, no emotion.
Add in a snatch of dialog and some emotional cues, also internal thoughts and a few actions. These things will draw the reader in to engage them.
A quick example:
Thomas appeared behind Daniel and shook him by the neck. Daniel
sputtered, choked, grabbed at Thomas's hands about his throat but
couldn't pry them loose. He was on his knees now, unable to breathe.
"Doesn't feel great, does it?" Thomas said, before kicking Daniel in
the small of the back.
Daniel was losing consciousness, almost welcomed it, the pain was too
intense and a blackout would be better. He saw Thomas kick the gun
away, but Daniel had no strength to grab it anyway. That smile on
Thomas's face. The man was vile, pure evil, the devil incarnate.
Daniel squirmed, using his last bit of strength, pleading with his
eyes.
Thomas let go and Daniel took a long shuddering breath, seeing stars
at the rush of oxygen back to his system. Thomas took a cigar out of
his pocket, lit it and took a puff.
"That's for Beatrice. You don't treat my girls that way, punk."
Daniel couldn't speak, his throat still crushed from the assault, air
rasped through.
answered 3 hours ago
DPTDPT
14.3k22784
add a comment |
Welcome to the exchange.
To my way of thinking, you need to expand the sequence out because as it stands you are listing a series of events and symptoms of the characters. There is no reaction, no interplay, no emotion.
Add in a snatch of dialog and some emotional cues, also internal thoughts and a few actions. These things will draw the reader in to engage them.
A quick example:
Thomas appeared behind Daniel and shook him by the neck. Daniel
sputtered, choked, grabbed at Thomas's hands about his throat but
couldn't pry them loose. He was on his knees now, unable to breathe.
"Doesn't feel great, does it?" Thomas said, before kicking Daniel in
the small of the back.
Daniel was losing consciousness, almost welcomed it, the pain was too
intense and a blackout would be better. He saw Thomas kick the gun
away, but Daniel had no strength to grab it anyway. That smile on
Thomas's face. The man was vile, pure evil, the devil incarnate.
Daniel squirmed, using his last bit of strength, pleading with his
eyes.
Thomas let go and Daniel took a long shuddering breath, seeing stars
at the rush of oxygen back to his system. Thomas took a cigar out of
his pocket, lit it and took a puff.
"That's for Beatrice. You don't treat my girls that way, punk."
Daniel couldn't speak, his throat still crushed from the assault, air
rasped through.
answered 3 hours ago
DPTDPT
14.3k22784
Welcome to the exchange.
To my way of thinking, you need to expand the sequence out because as it stands you are listing a series of events and symptoms of the characters. There is no reaction, no interplay, no emotion.
Add in a snatch of dialog and some emotional cues, also internal thoughts and a few actions. These things will draw the reader in to engage them.
A quick example:
Thomas appeared behind Daniel and shook him by the neck. Daniel
sputtered, choked, grabbed at Thomas's hands about his throat but
couldn't pry them loose. He was on his knees now, unable to breathe.
"Doesn't feel great, does it?" Thomas said, before kicking Daniel in
the small of the back.
Daniel was losing consciousness, almost welcomed it, the pain was too
intense and a blackout would be better. He saw Thomas kick the gun
away, but Daniel had no strength to grab it anyway. That smile on
Thomas's face. The man was vile, pure evil, the devil incarnate.
Daniel squirmed, using his last bit of strength, pleading with his
eyes.
Thomas let go and Daniel took a long shuddering breath, seeing stars
at the rush of oxygen back to his system. Thomas took a cigar out of
his pocket, lit it and took a puff.
"That's for Beatrice. You don't treat my girls that way, punk."
Daniel couldn't speak, his throat still crushed from the assault, air
rasped through.
answered 3 hours ago
DPTDPT
14.3k22784
edited 1 hour ago
answered 3 hours ago
DPTDPT
14.3k22784
answered 3 hours ago
DPTDPT
14.3k22784
answered 3 hours ago
DPTDPT
14.3k22784
14.3k22784
add a comment |
add a comment |
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You seem to have confused your two characters halfway through. I'd suggested editing unless that's actually part of what you wanted help on.
– Chris Sunami
4 hours ago
Ah, yes, sorry for that. I literally took 30 seconds to write this down on a notepad.
– yocu
4 hours ago